A year ago this week I found out that I had breast cancer.
Having cancer is always on my mind. I don’t have days where I forget. Maybe in coming years I will, but as I say, it was just a year ago that I found out.
The past few weeks it’s been right there at the forefront of my mind, as I’ve been re-living last year. In April I had my breast clinic appointment, a consultation, mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy.
Then a difficult few weeks whilst I waited and waited for my results. I’d been told at the clinic that it was highly unlikely to be anything to worry about, but you never know, do you? Well, turns out..!
I had to wait 5 weeks to find out the results of my biopsy, it felt like a long time.
My appointment was early in the morning and the Husband came along with me for this one.
I remember the journey well, even remember what was playing on the radio.
It was my first visit to this particular hospital, I recall asking for help finding my way around and a lovely lady showed me down to the section I needed to be in, reassuring me that I would be OK and that the nurses there would look after me. It all started to feel a lot more real then.
We sat in the waiting area, on our pink chairs, surrounded by breast cancer information. There was no-one else there with us, and we weren’t kept waiting long. When we were called in, with the consultant and breast cancer nurse both in the room, we suspected it was going to be bad news.
I was told that I had cancer.
I was told that it was treatable. I was told the type that it was and my likely treatment path. I was given a surgery date, just over a fortnight later, a few days before my 46th birthday. I signed the forms and gave my consent for the surgery, it was all moving very quickly.
Within just half an hour everything had changed.
In just thirty minutes I’d gone from it being a ‘nothing to worry about’ lump to having surgery booked in, a life changing diagnosis and a whirlwind of appointments beginning.
And all the time, all I could think was that I’d have to tell the kids. And it would break their hearts.
Of course I can look back on it now, knowing how my operation went, knowing my recovery was OK, knowing that the next 5 week wait for my surgery results felt difficult but it would eventually be good news, knowing what my treatment would be after my surgery, knowing I’d only have to wait another few weeks for my radiotherapy to start, knowing that I’d get through that OK, knowing the hormone therapy I’d need to go on for years, knowing I’d worry about the side effects but do it anyway, knowing how I’d find those side effects then and now.
I know it now. I know how the last year played out. But I’ve got to say, the waiting, the wondering, the worrying, that’s the worst part.
Would I be one of the people who has complications after the surgery, would I be in a lot of pain, would I have to have surgery again if they didn’t get clear margins, had the cancer spread into my lymph nodes, how would my body be changed and what would it look like, would I need to have chemo and if not how could I be confident the cancer had completely gone, would the radiotherapy cause me to burn badly, would the fatigue wipe me out, would I struggle on the hormone therapy, how would I find the medical menopause?
And the obvious one, would I be around to see my kids grow up?
I look back on all of this happening to me last year and it doesn’t quite feel real. At the time, I compartmentalised everything, only focusing on the appointments I had to on the days that I had them. All of my energy went into keeping things as normal as possible for the kids and not causing them to worry any more than they were.
I kept up with the school runs, I took them on fun days out, I showed them that I was still there, still coping, still me.
Now that I’m looking back on it, I have more time to feel it all. I’m thinking and feeling, rather than going through the motions.
And now, a year on?
My active treatment is finished, though I am on hormone therapy for at least the next few years.
I have good days and bad days, as you’d expect. I’m yet to have a day that I forget about all of this, but I guess that comes with time.
I am very focused on doing what is in my control, as so much of this hasn’t been, so as I’ve said before here, I use nutrition, exercise and rest to help me to manage my side effects, medical menopause, risk of recurrence and mental health.
I’ve found that if I let up on the exercising and don’t eat well for even just a few days, my body and mind can really feel it and my medication’s side effects come rushing in.
Some days I am very motivated and find this easy, some days it feels much harder. It feels like I’m constantly having to do things to manage my cancer treatment, and sometimes, I just don’t want to.
I haven’t gone through the angry stage of ‘why me?’, even though you know, why me?! I haven’t gone through a tearful phase, a depressed phase or an overly anxious phase.
I wonder whether at some point I will. I’ve spoken to other breast cancer survivors and many people process this thing over several years.
‘Survivorship’ in itself can be a complex and challenging thing.
It’s something you adjust to over time, learn to deal with, though it seems to keep confronting you just when you thought you’d got a handle on it.
Looking forward I have my first mammogram coming up, it’ll be around the anniversary of my surgery for the next five years.
I’m very aware that it’s there on the horizon. And I know waiting for the results will be hard again.
But I’ll do what I always do, distract myself, spend time enjoying the kids, work hard and talk about it when I feel I want to.
A year ago this all became real, not just a possibility.
A year ago, I saw my children’s childhood shift and their tears pour.
A year ago I had to tell my mum that I had breast cancer.
A year ago I reached out to break the news to friends.
A year ago my life became appointments, discomfort, pain, nerves, and a fight.
A year ago, everything became ‘that was before’ and ‘this is now’.
A year ago my life changed irrevocably.
It’s been A YEAR.
I’m still here, my kids still have their mum, my husband has his wife.
I feel changed, and not all in a bad way. I have plans, I know that life is for living and I take time to savour those little moments.
And I’m doing OK. Really, I am. This week’s just a hard one.
My thoughts are prayers are always with you <3
Sending love and hugs. What a year you have had. I am so glad everything went well for you and you are are doing good now. xxx
Thanks for sharing your experience Jocelyn. It must have been a really jarring year. You have wise words and reflections. I hope you’ll feel better and better and continue to enjoy life.