It’s difficult to know what to do or say when a loved one tells you that they have cancer. I understand that, I’ve been in that position with friends and family, it’s hard.
I thought it would be helpful to share a few things I’ve learned along the way, that might be of use if you’re trying to understand how to support a friend with cancer.
Of course everyone is different, every person will handle things differently themselves, but this advice should still stand you in good stead and help you to be that support.
Know That Telling You Is Hard
Whether you’re finding out about it within hours of a diagnosis or weeks or months later, know that it’s a difficult thing for your loved one to share.
Telling people is one of the hardest parts of this whole thing. You know it’ll be upsetting for them to hear so you do all you can to soften that blow for them and then do your best to absorb their emotions, which can be exhausting. Acknowledge this and then just keep it simple and honest.
Tell them you’re there, tell them you’re sorry this is happening, tell them you will help, tell them they can talk to you. And then just listen and be guided by them.
They might want some space if the diagnosis is new to them, and this might be the case further down the line as cancer is one of those things that keeps changing people’s journeys and we have to make mental adjustments as new realities reveal themselves. They might want to talk all about it, everyone’s different, just hear them and go with it.
Offer Practical Support
Of course you can offer practical help, if you are in a position to do so.
This could be helping with the kids if they have them, as they are likely to need to attend appointments, surgery, treatment and they might need time to rest.
You could offer to help with jobs around the house and garden, or deliver a few cooked meals if wanted.
You might be able to support by taking them along to any appointments. Just let them know you’re available and keen to help.
But honestly, you can’t go wrong by just being there for them and listening.
Listen To Them
It’s that simple, you needn’t do more. They’re still your friend, you needn’t be nervous to talk to them, you need not walk on eggshells.
Ask them about what’s happening, read up yourself on their cancer and treatment if you want to better understand and support.
Let them know you’re interested to hear how they are doing, if and when they want to talk.
You needn’t say much, don’t worry if you’re not too sure what to say, listening is supportive.
Validate Their Feelings
This one can make a real difference.
Validate their feelings, don’t attempt to minimise them or wave them away. You can’t make this one better and you’ll be hurting them by doing this.
If they’re telling you about something they’re struggling with, they just want you to acknowledge it with something like a ‘yes, that’s awful’. That’s it. They’ll see you get it.
They will have bad days, and they may or may not choose to share these with you.
You Don’t Need To…
It can be tempting to want to make it all go away for them as you don’t know how else to help. This is completely understandable, but try not to go overboard on the positivity, you don’t need to. Toxic positivity is quite common around cancer conversations, though with the best intentions.
You don’t need to try to fix this for them, they’re not expecting you to. Telling them, ‘it’ll be absolutely fine’ or ‘you’re so strong’ is understandably an attempt to be supportive but unnecessary. It’s OK for them to have bad days and realistic for them to do so. They don’t want or need to be upbeat all of the time, it’s exhausting to keep up with, so just listen to how they’re feeling and acknowledge it.
Show Up
Show them you care, show up, message them to see how they’re doing, suggest getting together when they’re up to it but accept that they might struggle at times.
Remember that just because they’re not in the hospital having their cancer actively cut out of them, poisoned out of them or burned out of them, it doesn’t mean they’re not dealing with it every day. In fact, after active treatment ends is often when cancer patients struggle.
Do check on your friend.
Your loved one is changed. This one isn’t like getting over the flu, it’s life altering and if you can try to understand that, you’ll be a fabulous support to them.
Personally, I’ve been fortunate to have some wonderful friends around me and please don’t doubt that you can make a big difference. The people that I feel have really been there for me are irreplaceable to me and this experience does highlight those loved ones that are with you.
I’m assuming if you’re reading this it’s because you do want to know how to support a friend with cancer. That in itself means you’ll be great. Just do that, be there, tell them you care, check in with them, listen, listen and listen some more.
I’m hoping this has helped and wishing your loved one all the best navigating their new reality.