My kids are getting older, so it’s often said that parenting gets more complicated as they grow.
I get that. I’m not saying ‘harder’ or ‘easier’, just more complicated. When they were tiny it was much more demanding physically, I needed to do everything for them, be watching them all of the time, taking care of them constantly. Nowadays they’re out with friends, in their rooms, gaming, reading, all those sorts of things that I’m not needed for. I get a break!
But emotionally, they’re more developed, they understand more about the world we live in, their needs have shifted to less physical and more emotional, which can be more complicated.
I often makes mistakes with my kids. They know I’m not infallible, I apologise when I get it wrong, and I think they know I’m doing all I can for them.
I don’t beat myself up about the mistakes too much, as I know I love them with everything I have and I do my best for them.
I feel like now that we’re into the teen years, my girl’s 15 and my son’s 12, I am doing all I can to understand them, connect with them and be their safe place.
I want to help them navigate the teen years, I know they’re hard. Hormones, puberty, school, exams, friendships, relationships, and all of this with the added lurking influence of social media.
My priority is that they’re happy. Sure, there are plenty of other things I hope for for them, but keeping them comfortable in themselves and happy, that’s what I’m shooting for.
It’s a tricky balance at these ages, I think.
I’ve been used to making all decisions for them, from basic things like what they’ll wear and eat to where they’ll go on holiday, what they will do with their free time, stuff like that. And now? Well, now they want to start making some of these decisions, and they need to, if they’re to grow up into capable adults.
I feel like I sometimes do know what’s best for them, and at other times, who am I to dictate their choices? They need to make their own decisions, get used to doing that, and then handling the consequences of whatever they do decide. All whilst I am here for them, ready to help them if they need me to, or just listen and hug them.
I can see a few huge areas of conflict between kids and parents at this age. Education, friendships and freedom seem to be the ones that stand out.
School and friends are areas that they need to navigate for themselves, with me here as a sounding board whenever they need me. They both chose the schools that they’re at themselves, I thought it was important for them to do that, and of course they choose their own friends.
Freedom is the hardest one as a parent, I think. We’ve spent all of their lives keeping them safe, and now they want some freedom. They want to be out with friends and they want to go out without you.
I think this is one where we have to let go, no matter how difficult we find it. It’s about them, not us. And whilst I understand the urge to keep them close at all times, they need to grow up, they need to function without us around, so little by little, they need to test that freedom.
I think it comes down to this.
Be there for them when they need us, but don’t take over unless they want that from us.
Listen to their problems, but don’t try to ‘fix’ them unless they ask us to do that.
Encourage them to be all that they can be, but don’t push them in directions that they’re not interested in going in.
Set reasonable boundaries and restrictions, but let them gain their independence.
Remind them how wonderful they are, but don’t be blind to their insecurities and worries.
Enjoy spending time with them, find those things that we can connect on, take an interest in their interests, however unlike ours they may be.
They’re going to make mistakes. They’re going to make decisions that maybe we wouldn’t make.
Remember how it was to be a teen ourselves. Cut them a break, don’t judge, be their safety net.
And love them.
So yes, I guess what they need from us gets harder as they grow up. Harder for us to let go, harder for us to trust that they’ll be OK out there in the world, harder for us to trust in them. More complicated? I think we’re still just loving them, aren’t we?
I think if we are just there, supporting them, cheering them on from the side-lines (very quietly, we don’t want to embarrass them!), making sure they know how loved they are, we’ve got this.
What do you think?